New Link To Show

Well the show link doesn't work anymore so I found this new place the show is on at along with the whole series.

http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/i-survived-beyond-and-back/video/season-1/episode-6/episode-3

Also, I haven't been getting notifications of questions or posts. It was my fault, my email had changed but I have changed it to where I should get a message saying a new message has been posted. Just in case though it is hilly7@charter.net.

Questions about things that changed

I get a lot of questions about what has changed, so I tell them. Then they repeat the question with what physically changed, followed by strange things or events.

  Yes there are a few things that happen most times. The number one thing I get asked is,

1 - Can I talk to the dead? No, I firmly believe that based on my experience. I don't think anybody can. I also don't want to talk to the dead. There are people whom I have loved that have died, several close people, and I want to see them again. For now though I'll have to wait. We aren't suppose to talk with them. We have plenty of time in most cases to say what we need to say while they are here, though it seems after their gone there was not enough time. Three simple words be that I love you, I forgive You, I'm proud of you, I need you. I think you take your love with you when you die. It is actually selfish to want to talk with them, they are in paradise at best, Hell at worse.

 2-  Unusual Events happen quite frequently. I like kids, don't get me wrong, but at a distance. Smaller kids come up tome all the time and either talk or just stand, stare, and smile/

3 - Dying people, if they are close to me, I sense when they leave. Sometimes a day or two in advance.

4- I read a lot. I used to never just read, but after the garden is gone I read.

5 -  People will tell me everything, and I mean everything.

6- Those with Black eyes that stare and evoke rage in me. Thanks God they are as afraid or me as I am them, 

  So far that is about all I can think of.

 

Gardening and life

Please look over me it's late and this was suppose to go on the blog Musing. Oops

I often write in some pretty weird terms that some would read while others seem to connect, I talk pretty much the same way except more topics rather than to keep up with just one. I can't help but see life as a whole and the pieces that fit together to form a life. Or, everyone and everything is connected in some way. But this is just how I see my garden, being that it is spring time. Since I'm actually writing notes I'll try and keep on topic.

I turned the soil up in the gardens the other day in preparation to ready the ground for when planting time comes. Some of it was ready, some wasn't, so I worked on what was ready to be worked on. Over the course of winter I burnt limbs that had fallen, paper stuff, leaves, and grasses that I really didn't want. Some areas that needed "fluffing" I left the leaves to rot what they would and mold and they would remain the to be plowed under and the remnants blended in with the soil. Anything that the animals wouldn't consume got tossed there too. I burnt a few times at some of the tree stumps in an attempt to slowly work them away.

But finally just a few days ago the signs were ready to plant root crops. Me and Megan planted about 45 Onions sets, finished one row on one side of the garlic and a complete row on the other. I gave the rest to Mark and Bobbie. Mark looked into the bag and asked how many I was giving them, the bag had at least twice what we had planted. I told him all of them, that we had what we wanted. Then at the end of the Garlic me and Megan planted Cabbage. Yea I know, it's not a root crop and the signs weren't right to even transplant, but we done it anyway.

The next day I spread out mulch around the Onions and Cabbage and checked the straw around the Garlic. Throughout the last two gardens and even unto now we have tossed rocks out of the garden. The ground here is rocky in parts and this is the third year it has been there, one year I wasn't allowed to mess much with it during the chemo and radiation treatments. Tossing rocks is an ongoing thing and if God allows will probably be ongoing for a few more years. Who knows when we will have the ground free of enough rocks to call it free enough. The rocks are tossed and sometimes loaded onto a small lawn trailer pulled by our Lawn Mower (some call them lawn tractors) and the dumped in the area in small loads where I created a flat spot to park the two farm trucks. I have a motto. Every time I walk through the garden I try and remember to at least throw two rocks out.

Soon, as the signs come in and after Easter, we will plant this garden. Like a child who awaits Christmas present opening time, I watch. I will have to turn the soil, disc and smooth it down. We have the best of seeds and will also have some healthy plants, for those that are transplanted. We will try and space the rows just right and straight. Not too much as to waste and yet not too small as to crowd and we need to be able to walk into the rows to yet further work the soil and control the weeds. The seeds will be planted just at the right depth, according to it's needs. If they thirst and the rains don't come, then we will water them. If they are hungry we will feed them. And all the while, tossing out rocks or stones. We hope the bees come and not the pests and will plant things that help rid the pests and attract the bees and birds.

The garden will get much of my attention and adding a garden will demand more, as I try and grow enough for Charlie since he is now sick. If my oldest daughter and grandkids decide to put one out I will work the ground for them as well, plus teach them how to care for it. For gardens need care. Hopefully the crops will be bountiful, enough to provide for the ones in the family that can't grown one. Yea I know, my body is shot and there are those who would argue that I don't need to be there. Realizing that I'm not in too good of shape I will have to become creative in order to achieve this both in equipment, time, and energy. There will be those who say I will not be able to do this, just as was said last year, and though I pale in comparison to what I once was, I try. Then storms may come and they are beyond my control.

And should this year be a bountiful year I have played a little part in it. Honestly I don't care for eating most of what will be in there, but others that I care for do. So I will work the soil, the plants, toss the rocks. I do this with hope and faith. I have hope that I have done correctly and worked hard enough to make a garden that is productive. I have faith that if I do what I can that maybe God will reward me with a good producing garden, but if not then I do so with acceptance that it wasn't meant to be. Last year, even though my body faltered, I tried, but it wasn't meant to be. I did get enough of a few things to share with a few people, but nothing like I would have liked too.

That is ok though and while a bit down heartening, it is what it is... life learning. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no, and sometimes it is not yet. So, that is the way life works and should work. Nothing good and decent on this earth was created by us, God created it and loaned it to us. God gives us the energy and the ability and intelligence to take care of what we can... and that goes beyond a planted garden. If we are given much then I believe we are to share that. Like with the onions we had what we wanted, enough, while Mark had none. We had food we had not eaten, so the animals were offered it first, the the ground second. The field stones serve no purpose in the garden yet they have a purpose. They will be my "gravel" that will strengthen and make the ground harder and less mussy when the wet season comes on which to park the trucks.

And if this one fails then with God's will, I will do it again the next year as best I can. And the next, and the next, and the next... for as long as God allows. Through persistence, faith, hope, and humbleness I will keep on trying. I will remain talking to God and in the silence you can her Him talk back to you as you ponder over scriptures. With little audible voice left I have a great strong voice not audible... but then again we all do. As long as I am allowed to I will keep on fighting the odds, keep on trying, until one day it will be decided for me my trials are over.

I will still be excited if even one tomato or bean sprouts and tickled to know that I had a small part in that, and give thanks. And if my garden produce abundantly, I will rejoice and see that we all have, remembering I played a small part in it, and give thanks. Either way I will remember that I am not a Master Gardener, or any other kind of master. For this world only has one Master, and it is that Master who has granted me to work in my garden, which is His dirt, His seeds, His plants, His nutrients and hopefully by His servant... me. The rocks are right where He put them. Close enough for me to toss them where I need them, where diligence, patience, hardship, and work are needed to chip away until it is all clear. The onions came in a bundles bigger than I needed, enough to share. The constant working with the soil, to show that everything in life needs to be attended to constantly. The leaves, limbs, unwanted foods, paper, ashes from the wood stove, as a reminded that what I receive or take, I must add back something in thanks. The stubborn strong stumps, there to remind me that we are granted strength from above, even though we may not be whole in body. The weeding of the garden, to know that we must maintain our relationships. And should I get just a single fruit, that I should be thankful. And should I get a bountiful harvest, to see that I should take only what I need and see that others have what they need too.

I take honor and pride in knowing I have enough to share. Not that I produced it, but that God allowed me to play a small part in that production. That He has given me strength to endure the season, and that strengthens me... physically, emotionally, and most important, spiritually. No matter the turn out of the end result, as long as I have done my best. Knowing full well that I have learned much and tried hard. I've learned that everything has a place and everything is for a reason. One not always known, but it is there. A known one though is that I have grown each season.

Our life is a garden like that, or at least mine is. What I have learned in farming, gardening, and sometimes the hard way has been the most valuable lessons to date. I have been so blessed.

Myths I learned.

  I have to get up early tomorrow so I'll make this one short, Dental appointment.

  I had always been in the mindset that God was this big angry being just waiting to damn you. He is not. But, I stand ahead of myself. Through courses of events and boastful pride I first assumed that God was not real as I grew older and actually what I thought was smarter. I was wrong. The imagine and thoughts I had before, the preconceived notions I had learned in church was this angry deity that one could not satisfy. The one who always ordered killings that seem unsubstantiated at times. Perhaps if churches stepped out of their footnotes of the same old stories and actually taught from the Bible, no matter who it offends or who thinks the preacher is crazy, it might change. I learned that God is a whole lot like not what I had learned. He is a loving God that wants everybody to make it and gives every chance to try to measure up.  It grieves Him to lose even one person. That He loves us enough that what we fall short reaching up to Him, He will make up the difference. I learned that He is a Merciful God and what true Grace feels like.

    I learned that we are our brother's keeper. Not his judge on his day to day things, but his keeper to see that our brother/sister is never in need. I also learned that we are responsible for only ourselves, but also we impact so many people. Was it a positive impact or a negative?

  I also learned the myth of being or feeling superior to anybody.

  I learned the myth of believing in moth and rust. I'll let you all look that one up.

  I learned (at least for me) that there was no sting of death. 

Some of what I had and had not done

  I have had a lot of people through emails, Facebook messages, and on the Blogs ask me what I saw that I had and had not done right. At the time I was 44 years old a a whole lot had accumulated. I certainly wasn't the worse but I also wasn't as good as I should have been and a far cry from what I thought I was. I still am found lacking in many ways, but I'm a work in progress.

   I was taught not to judge so harshly by Papa which also taught the rest of the family too. Some of his and Annie's teaching they taught their children and us I had abide by like never turn away someone hungry or run someone off your property. While I was exactly an honest person in my youth, UPS changed that policy and I found just as I had been taught, tell the truth. I did hurt feelings sometimes as I could have told it a lot more tactfully. That a good paycheck, and a organization was about the only thing other than the many friends I made at UPS. I though had compared myself to other people in the process. I was a fast driver, holding records that I later found didn't mean squat. The place became me and who I was. If you are your job, therein lies the big mistake. If your job commands you to do or alter what is right and good, it is not worth salvation. I think when I hear the word Capitalists, I remember much of what God don't approve of. Capitalism is a religion. I know that isn't a popular thing to say either these days as the disinformation is heavy to make people think that is the American way. But look at where we are now and where it has gotten us and if you like this scenario, just wait until the curtain goes down. It ain't pretty. 

  Many asked if I had done these things while in real estate. No. While I had my license for 6 years prior they mostly just hung on a wall. It wasn't until after an injury at work that I started doing it fully time and I had left UPS. I knew better by then, plus mom wouldn't have tolerated it and would have been disappointed. I worked under her the last 2 years before the throat cancer hit.

   There were times when I even took part in making fun of less fortunate people. It wasn't often but, it did happen to keep in good graces with management. I threw my slats too occasionally at those who didn't want to live, breathe, and sleep for the company all those years I was at UPS. Dedication can be taken too far when it is in the wrong place and family and friends and number 2 and 3 of the list. God being number 1. There were times that I could have made things a bit easier on people, many, many times. Like crippled and blind people that I do as directed and just dropped the package on the porch, knowing they would be at the mercy of family or friends to get it inside. Times I could have said something kind to ease someone and times I done good to be praised and seen rather than doing good for the sake of doing good.

   It gets better than that too. Imagine every thought you have... every thought. Check that lady out and think bad things. Curse someone in your mind, done that a lot. Think your better than someone else because you are all wrapped up in what you can afford. That comes under the he or she could do better if they weren't so lazy or if they applied themselves thing. I saw myself driving and cussing while smiling, or as one Helped laughed and said, potty mouth. There are a lot of stupid people out there and I think I was perhaps the dumbest of them all. Next time your driving down the road, especially in traffic, monitor yourself. You will be given so many times to do good and do bad. Getting pissed off at the car who isn't too much on curiosity or errs is not a good thing, neither is the California Howdy sign. :). Next time you are in a check out lane and someone jumps line what you say and do is always an opportunity for right and wrong, depending on how you handle the situational.   

   Every minute of every day, no, let me correct that. I was taught to take care of the seconds and the minutes will take care of themselves, in productivity. But what is productivity? I found out that night that productivity is not what I thought. Productivity is something that can't be measured with a dollar. Something that has nothing to do what producing a product. Being productive is doing a good job, but then again, a good job is good relations with people... especially family. I never brought home the stress or anger, but I sure did the attitude. I'm sure my family was quite content that I did work all the time. At home though we had a hatchery and a mail order business for farm and pet supplies. It grew when we went online being the first hatchery up on the web and the 2nd or 3rd supply company. I was honest but heartless.

   From one of my cousins I had grown up with who had gotten murdered at twenty years old I hated and hardened my heart. I didn't grow up with my two half brothers or sisters or step brother, I grew up with my cousins as brothers and still to this day consider themselves to be. My heart broke when Joe was murdered, and my faith took a hit. Annie had many talks with me over the next 8 months about that, she died 8 months later. Joe and Mark had lived with her and taken care of her, she couldn't handle Joe being killed and the cruel words I had said to Mark and just about everybody else. Mark is all that remains now, along with Bobbie and Joey. Gerald (Mark & Joe's dad) died a few years later followed by Edna, their mom. Joe's dad which had also helped raise me began to drink and eventually he couldn't control it after Annie died in his arms, I'm not sure what I would have done the same losing a son and my mother in one year that way. Then I had a bad divorce and a lay off from Pet Dairy in the same year. I started back to church and done really good at going for the first time since I had quit as a teenager. I learned a lot and in a few short years all that learning was taken away from just one job a few years later. Then one day, as we were leaving church the preacher said, "Anthony, you need to get both feet in or both feet out". My answer was, "Well Hell, that's not a problem now is it." I haven't went back faithfully to this day. Between that and what I was being brainwashed at UPS, added with a hate than ran deep, well I'll say this. I was the best person to be around. I was funny though, lol.

   I didn't do a lot of things like get drunk, step out on my wife, beat her (she's stronger than me, lol), run around, or screw somebody over. I wasn't kind though to worse of all, my family. I ran home like they ran me. In some ways I think I was abusive to Denise with my words, the kids too. Naw, let's face it, I was cruel at times, too many times. I took them for granite. For 11 years we never took a vacation. It's not like we're just minutes away from the Smokies, a picnic would have been nice. So was looking past some things that really didn't matter and tossing more compliments out. Being kind. Getting mad easily. Giving those Marine type speeches we got at work when something didn't go right. Not telling them how proud I was of them and how much I loved them, even when I hated myself. I swallow camels and choked on gnats, as the saying goes.

  The pride, arrogance, unforgiving, hate, deception... all come through that night. My God I didn't realize all I had done or how bad I had done it. I was at the top of my heap and you know, I thought it would never end. Funny how we seem to forget that we are here for just a blink of an eye. Funny that we forget how we came into the world naked and empty handed, and we go out the same way. I had done a lot of good things too though more than I had thought for all the wrong reasons. Those don't count, at least not in a positive way.

   The only thing I had done good was that night, and that was because I thought I would never get another chance to say anything to anybody.I was afraid that my ride had come to an end and so before I went as Denise walked along beside the bed, I looked at her and said after he explained that the blockage was probably massive and it could stop my heart when they went to stop the heart attack. I said, " I've got something to confess." I saw her worried and scared too and wanted to ease her, but I was scared myself. Denise looked like oh no, here it comes, but she remained silent. I told her "I know I haven't always been a good husband, and I know that I have lacked a lot in many way. I want you to know that you have been a great wife and I have always loved you and always will. And I'm sorry for not being as good a husband as I should have been. Whatever happens tonight, please don't be bitter. I love you." It did not have the calming effect I had hoped for. Actually it may have made it worse.

  There are just too, too many things for me to list individually. If it is a gray area it is a black area , gray don't exist. If everybody is doing it and it really doesn't seem like a bad thing, then it's not a good thing either. There is only 1 you when it comes to facing God for your wrongs, nothing is curved on if you were at work or not. If your work is you it is wrong. You should work to live not live to work. Your company is not your family nor your first priority, actually it is much lower on the list, no higher than fourth. What you speak openly, silently, and think all count. Or at least that is what I seen. Judge yourself to no one except Jesus. If you are then you are already falling way short. Love yourself least than you love everybody else. Forgive, even your enemies. Love nothing this earth has because it stays on this earth. The things that are worth the most here is faith, truth, love, and those around you. That is what I learned. Anything you can actually pay money for and buy is false wealth.  Be nice. Be truthful yet tactful. Be calm, inside and out. Be Humble. Be Kind. Serve rather than being served. Anybody can be served, but only great people can be servants.

  That is just a small touch of it, but I'm sure you get the jest of it. I can tell you just as many right things I did, but some were for the wrong reasons and telling them would be bragging. I also saw how that don't look too good either. Man I've told more than I meant too. While I'm far from a saint I try and watch what I done before. There is not a day goes by that I do not ask for forgiveness. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the old me and ask that God help me to never be that man again. There is not a day that when we talk on the phone that I don't end it with I love you to Denise, the kids, the grandkids, and my parents... even to some friends. There is not a day that goes by that I don't give thanks for the great people that He has allowed me to be in the company of. People that have not only tolerated me but forgave me and loved me despite my past and my short comings. God is Good. 

  So I try and monitor myself these days, knowing how I fell the first time. That doesn't mean I still don't fall, I just know how it works now. I think this song pretty much says the truth.

Love, one aspect of the experience

  I think rather than knowing how to love I was taught that I was loved, and greatly so. This however was a different love. I really do not think this love can ever be achieved here in this world with these bodies. As I looked around and spotted Denise I felt a warm, complete, perfect love, stronger than I could ever explain. More pure than I could have ever know existed. As I watched the others in the room I felt the same way for them too. Though mentally I had an attachment to Denise, love was ll the same. Everybody was equally loved.

  I know, sounds a bit Hippie type sounding, but it is true. Here, we have different loves and levels of love... if we are fortunate. And it's perfectly natural to be that way, I think God made us to be that way apart from His presence by these bodies. We have different loves for our spouse, parents, children, God, family, friends... and within each of those different levels. That doesn't mean we do lot love truly or one better than the other. I think it is the natural way to keep order in our lives. We extend limits of our love depending upon who it is. We extend conditions on our love, depending on who it is.

  But when we are in the Light of God, maybe His love is so powerful that our souls feed off of it. I really don;t know how it works. I'm just guessing. God's love I felt that night was perfect, unconditional, complete, and a level that no words can describe.  

How Long was I dead?

Not long I think in earthly time. Once you leave your body though time does not exist. I can assure you not as long as I would have liked to.